A few weeks ago, I went camping for the first time in over 20 years. I attended an ecstatic dance festival, and it was awesome!

The camping part of my trip was difficult, both physically and emotionally. I have been living with cerebral palsy my whole life and am accustomed to having physical limitations. However, over the years, I've adapted to these limitations at home, especially now that I'm the only grown-up in my house. Most of the time, I don’t even notice that I'm slower at executing common mundane tasks. I often forget how much energy is required for me to complete these tasks.

But being in the wilderness for five days, sleeping in a tent, going to the outhouse, and changing clothes multiple times a day because of record-breaking rainfall showcased the limitations of my disability in a way I could not ignore. Honestly, I would have preferred not to see it so clearly. Physically, I managed, and I was with wonderful friends who supported me both physically and emotionally.

Going into this trip, I felt useless and unfairly burdened that my friends would cook for me and do the dishes. Let's pause here: even writing about the dishes makes me afraid of being judged—"Come on, you didn’t even do the dishes?" I felt truly useless. They also built and packed the campsite. Though I helped where I could, I felt pressured (by myself) to contribute in other ways. Maybe I could be funny or cheerful, or simply not be a burden. But my disability does not grant me superpowers; it does not make me cheerful 24/7 or automatically increase my sense of humor.

That’s when I realized I had double standards! I imagined myself fully able-bodied and on that trip with someone who needed help. Would I let them struggle to put up their own tent or tell them, "You don’t eat tonight because you’re not helping enough," or "You didn’t cheer me up today and you haven’t told a single joke, so you have to fill up your own water bottle"? I would help without a second thought. I would help because they have intrinsic value, not because they’ve done something for me. My help is neither conditional nor transactional. So, why would it be different for me?

I explored the emotions that surfaced that weekend and discovered they were not new. I had them as a child and all the way through university. It came down to the feeling that I am not enough and need to prove myself worthy. Man! I thought I had processed all that before. Nope! Sometimes, limiting beliefs rear their ugly heads again and again, or they show up in different contexts. In this case, I hadn’t faced so many limits or relied so much on different people in a long time. Probably not since I started to accept the fact that I have a disability that limits me.

I am grateful I faced those emotions and thoughts while at an ecstatic dance festival. Dancing helped me process my emotions, and the community offered me a safe space to do so.

I believe many of us struggle with similar thoughts and feelings, and it can feel really lonely. Knowing we are not alone is a great start. I invite you to drop a comment to let others who might be struggling with self-worth know that they're not alone. 🙏